That was my mum, she made me happy, my sister and my Dad happy; my Dad most of all. They were each others lives, my Mum and Dad.
On the plane over this time I could not sleep, but made the most of my 3 seats to myself by getting all my feelings out and writing about how I felt and how I feel now, so some of this was modified after re-writing for events that have now come to pass, with recent feelings being added, since it has now been 5 weeks since that flight.
I am on my third trip to Australia for the year, to see … for what was to be the last time ever, my Mum. I spent a great deal of time with her on my visits during the year, and thinking back I had seen her more, much more then I did when I actually lived in Adelaide. Despite what some might have considered a curse that I had chosen to live in the UK; having done that actually had given me the opportunity to come back and do nothing but devote my time to my Mum for 3 weeks straight at a time, each time. Something had I been living in Australia I could not have done.
I can always know that I was there when it counted, even though I was a long way away. I was trying to make my hope work for me and I felt that while I was there I was giving up, and accepting that the end was near. I was not there for 5 weeks between my second and third visits, which may have been one of the hardest period of my family’s lives, but I was on the end of the phone to my dad every couple of days, which was as close as I could be.
It certainly was not the same being back in the UK when it came to going out and doing things, and it won't be the same for a while now anyway, but one (gosh how English is that) must earn a living and pay the bills.
I had so much hope, which is why I returned to the Uk after the second trip, I hoped she would be well again, I made plans for her to be well again. I hoped to see my family at Christmas, to take both Mum and Dad to the Farnborough Air show, to Silverstone (my mad motorsports Mum, and Dad for that matter), to Wimbledon, to see the Pharaohs in Egypt, to the Cotswolds, to where I live in London and most of all to Paris.
I wanted to show her my world, a world she knew of from my phone calls (far too infrequent), my photos, my emails and my blog. I know she was and still is proud of me and loves that I am doing what I wanted in life, from what she has told me herself and from what others (thanks Laura) have told me via my Mum.
It has been several weeks now (5 weeks since I arrived, 4 weeks since she died and 3 weeks since the funeral) and it is still very weird not having my mum around, I don't know how I should necessarily feel about her being gone. I know I have accepted it (that she is physically gone part only) sort of, but it does not make it easier that is for sure. No matter how someone leaves you, the hardest part is that they are gone at all.
The best piece of advice I had about how to feel, and what to feel, was "you feel what you feel when you feel it, don't have any expectations". That made me relax and not be too stressed at how I was feeling, or worry what I was doing or being worried if I was feeling the right things. It helped me to especially realise that grief is a very personal experience, even if you are grieving over the same person.
I think the most important thing is for me now is; to know I care, to know I miss her, to know my family are here, to know they love and miss her, to know she loved me, to know she only wants us all to be happy and to know I will always love her.
